I don’t want to give all my sources away, but I have been watching some select episodes from: http://marriageuncensored.ca/index.php I also enjoy the entertainment of Strictly Sex With Dr. Drew (it’s not just sex, it’s relationships as well). In the past I’ve always maintained felt that before I could honestly commit to a mutual relationship, I had to make sure I was mostly in order. I think I’m at the point where I’m as “mostly in order” as I’ll ever be. Many good and wise friends have helped along the way. A few self-books have helped me make reasonable choices as well. This brings me to my current feelings for a particular individual.

Possibly the scariest thing I can think of right now is that I don’t take the chance and loose it. Forever regretting my lack of balls and constantly forming questions like “I wonder how my life would be different if…” in my head. It would probably drive me to insanity or even worse, normalcy. The problem of course is situational. Distance is a major factor. There are mutual concerns about “Getting along in real life” as well. It’s also a little strange that a serious relationship has formed mostly online. It’s awkward to tell grampa and gramama that you met your partner online.

In spite of all of these… obstacles, I still find that I think about the positives. We talk about all sorts of interesting things (mutual interests so to speak). We can talk/act goofy and everyone has a good time (no one is creepy out by banana on the head improve comedy). Our hearts are lifted just by talking on the phone (my sexy phone voice FTW!) I could go on, but that’s all I really see… all I really care about. The most painful part of it all is literally the distance. It drives me crazy to not be there for someone I care so much about. It seems unnatural and unfair to me.

Really we have no one to blame but ourselves. We’ve made choices that prevent us from relocating for the next while. At this point in both our lives we’re more dedicated to our own personal pursuits. I think we share a mutual respect of our choices in this regard. At times I still play the “What if…?” game with myself. Considering if I had stayed in Winnipeg; or, while it was still appropriate, moved back to Winnipeg. Now we’re both tortured souls, 100’s of km apart.

This is the sort of thing where, if all works out for the good, it’s a super romantic “Love Conquers All” story. The pessimist in me of course likes to point out that, even thou everything looks fantastic… it doesn’t mean that the follow through will work. I’m ready to accept either out come. The first is an amazing story; the second a story of, “If you love them, let them go.”

For me the degree’s of love are fairly simple. It’s like the lesser of two evils sort of system. In theory I love everyone and thing. From there it’s just a matter of how much and in what ways. I can easily say that I love my friends and my family. I care about them and what happens to them. I look out for them when I can. It’s not a far stretch in my mind to say that those sorts of ideologies are a part of love. I think for the most part I have this system figured out to the extent that I know when my love is for a stranger, friend, family or significant other. I don’t seek to “rank” or prioritize in this system, it’s more that I just know where people fall within it.

What has been on my mind lately is the state of being in love. I’ve been in the state of loving my family since I’ve known them. It’s not a strange feeling and at this point in my life I’m very comfortable with it. What I’m struggling to grasp is the love that come between me and those I want to be with for the rest of my life. These feelings have always scared me to a certain extent. They’re not familiar and at times have been used against me in a hurtful way (Not that I haven’t done my fair share of hurting either).

I think in the essence of it, being in that particular state of love is like this:

• Caring about this person is intrinsically rewarding. AKA, it’s not a chore to listen to their problems and do what you can for their needs.
• You want to be with them, and you can ride through the rough times with them. Sometimes when someone is in a difficult stage of life it’s easy to just go and let them sort it out. Sometimes that makes them difficult to be around. I guess this aspect is the, “I’ll be there for you” part.
• Physical bond. By no means is this sex, but it can be. It’s more of the… mutual need to be close together. To share intimately in existing and take comfort that your not alone.
• Acceptance. We are not perfect. Love is not perfect. People evolve, relationships evolve and the world as a whole moves on. What ever flaws and quirks are there are going to be there for a lifetime in some way. It’s too much to ask a person not to be themselves, so instead you have to accept them for who they are. I think this is easy to do with family, and more so with friends (you typically don’t spend enough time with them to get the full brunt of the flaws and quirks). Choosing to be with someone for the rest of your life is something you have to be prepared for.
• Accepting yourself and love yourself. I don’t think I’ve been in the state of mind where I’ve hated myself much. On occasion I feel I’ve screwed up and disliked myself for a short period. Accepting myself has been a different story all together. I may appear to be confident much of the time. Internally I question much of what I do and I’m very critical of my actions. This has been something I’ve been getting better at over the years; but, I still have a few skeletons in the closet when it comes to accepting myself.

I’m not sure if this list is exactly comprehensive by any means. I’m sure just making it will spark further thought on the matter. What really brings this up is that I believe, right now that I am in this “state” of love. The situation itself is odd and difficult; but, it’s also interesting and fulfilling. I still doubt myself at times and question what I’m doing; but, every time I think about how being like this makes me feel… Well it’s just the oddest feeling connected and loved.

1. I have to be crazy about you. I have to honest to God think about you at leasts once a day for more than 10 seconds (preferably more). I have to have a burning desire to be with you in some what everyday, even on the bad ones.
2. I have to have meaningful conversations with you. That means conversations about us, and the world. I don’t care if we disagree.
3. A can-do attitude. So we’re on a rough patch, let’s work it out. Some times things take time, so patience is literally a virtue.
4. We have to share everything as best we can. Halfies on money stuff when we can. Equally sharing cooking and cleaning tasks in general. You get the idea…
5. Forgiveness. We’re both gonna make mistakes. We only get one chance at life, let’s not force ourselves to be miserable in the process.
6. Lastly, You have to have a soft and kind heart. Someone who cares about people and isn’t a self-centered bitch.

Wow – totally cool. A guy who is willing to write to me before seeing my picture!
I love the concept of geloscopy – predicting someone’s future based on their laughter. There are so many different types of laughs, the nervous laughter, the uninhibited laughter, the slightly evil laugh, the extremely evil laugh – they say so much about a person. I’ve never studied it, I don’t know where I would go. But I do pay attention to what makes people laugh and the way that they laugh, I think it says so much about a person. I’m extremely attracted to people who laugh a lot.

The entire idea of geloscopy not only amazed me, but showed me a new aspect of self and others I had never seen before. While I’m sure she didn’t invent this mysterious field of study, it was the start of my interest in a girl I would never meet.

I could go on a long story about how things progressed. I kept all our written communications with the intent of making a book with them. I didn’t record our phone/video conversations, but perhaps there are some things only I should know. I will say this thou, if I have every “fallen” into love. Head over heels for girl, this was the girl I did it for. I literally thought of her all the time. I imagined her closeness, believed I felt it too. I gave a level of trust I’ve never granted to anyone before. I… laid myself down before her as I am; and, she accepted me. If I had loved, I had love her and she had loved me.

Back to the story of sorts. Things were great, we were set to meet in only a month when things when strange. Last I talked to her we had planned on talking again the next evening. I waited the whole evening for her, but she never called… never came online. I figured, “I’m just some online guy and really life takes priority”. Really, I could understand something coming up and not being able to get online. I didn’t sleep that night… I was restless.

The next day I did what I often avoid doing, but do well when I do it. Worry. At the time I happened to remember her full name. Having only used voice over ip to talk, I had no need for her actual phone number. Now I was motivated to find that information. I knew she lived next to her brother, so searching for her last name and cross referencing addresses should of helped me find her number. As it turned out, it was unlisted.

I worried some more. I now wished I knew more details about her. What was the name of the place she worked at? What part of the city did she live in. Anything to help me find and contact her. I thought maybe I had done something wrong… I started to blame myself for opening up, sharing, trusting… Where this despair lead me, broke me.

It’s amazing what a desperate man will do for a woman. I eventually tracked down where she worked and managed to talk to someone she worked with. The conversation I had was possible the worst conversation I have ever had…
Me: Hi, I’m looking for Veronica.
Her: … Yes, who is this?
Me: I’m a friend of her’s, James.
Her: Your that guy from Canada?
Me: Yes?!
Her: She talked about you all the time
Me: … Oky, what’s going on?
Her: I don’t know how to say this, Veronica passed away on Monday.

And so I was broke. I got a few more details about what happened. I was given a number to call about the funeral and such. I couldn’t bring myself to call it, much less contemplate at last seeing her… So I did what people pretend to do best. Forget and move on. Except I did it wrong, I blocked out and never got over it.

It seemed like the universe had set out to crush my spirits and stir my souls foundations. I tried what I’ve always done to resolve issues. I wrote poems, read books and cooked. My poems were horrible. So sad and depressing I burned them. The books I read attempted to guide me, but I refused to accept their guidance. The cooking was alright thou.

When things settled down, I came out of my shell so to speak. A new James was born. A James who was bitter and angry. A James to rationed trust like the most precious resource known to man. Emotionally greedy and selfish, especially in relationships. I pushed friends away; and grew more bitter in my isolation. I was broken.

It’s funny how things work out over time. I wanted to get so far away from people I cared about and trusted that I got the great idea to teach over sea’s. I thought that maybe the extreme end of isolation would cure me some how. Then I was baited with the job of my “dreams”, but turns out my dreams were really elsewhere. I came back to where it all started, where all the people I pushed away were. I thought I was done my wandering and ready to move on. I was still broken.

It isn’t easy to describe what is exactly broken about me. “I have trust issues” doesn’t really cover it. I have “commitment issues” doesn’t cover it either. “Broken Heart” could explain many things, but still… doesn’t do it justice. It would best be described as loosing a piece of myself. That piece had some trust, commitment, heart and probably a few other things to boot. It’s my hope/belief that those sorts of things… grow back over time. All we have to do is nurture ourself so it can.

It’s been slow going really. I think I’m close to trusting again. I’m still scared of commitment. My heart is nearly recovered, but will perhaps always bare a scar. Some people call this emotional baggage, but I call it experience. Some people get married and divorced to get emotional experience. I threw myself out there and got a bad hand deal to me. I think I’ve learned a lot, but I’m far from knowing everything there is to learn from it. Moving on…

My dating for the last 6 months has been troubling for the last 6 months. I’ve felt like I’ve been leaving a trail of soul relationships in my wake. I’ve been leading girl after girl on… it’s a horrible thing to do, but imagine it like I was on emotional auto pilot. I didn’t realize I was doing it until it was too late. It wasn’t until recently that I realize this was going on. I believe I’m in the process of “removing” the emotional autopilot.

So this may seem confusing to read. It’s honestly still confusing to me. The short of the long is this. I’ve been broken for years. I now know that I am broken. I know why I am broken for the most part. I know what to do to fix myself. I know that it will take time to fix. I will one day be unbroken.

I turned 26 in December. Nothing incredibly exciting happened in relation to that event. I think I’m going deaf and blind thou. I guess getting older isn’t all that bad so far. I hear early 20’s girls dig older guys, so I figure my odd just keep getting better from here on.

I took a long Christmas vacation to relax and burn some of that vacation time I had from work. I was even moderately productive for the most part. I cleaned my room, organized my mass collection of pictures and music. Spent money on useless stuff online. Oh, and looked for a place to live.

Which brings me to the most recent and exciting business in my life. I’m currently looking to buy a house; but, it’s a crazy market in Saskatoon. Places are selling the same day they list. The ones that don’t sell that fast are usually like that with good reason. I do see some light at the end of the tunnel thou. I’ve recently been doing a lot of research and looking into a loft project downtown. It’s a year away from completion, but they have two show suites. I took a peek on Wednesday and I must say… it’s very tempting. It’s exactly the kind of modern/industrial living I’ve always dreamed of. The sales guy, Wayne, has been very helpful in answering my numerous questions. I’m expecting to be pre-approved on a mortgage on Monday. I’ll take another look on Tuesday, sort some more details out, and if my gut still tells me I’ll be happy… well gosh darn it I may just put the deposit down. Here’s their site, but it doesn’t have any real photo’s of their lofts. I intend to take some photo’s on Tuesday and I’ll post them on flicker. http://2ndavenuelofts.com/

Other small things that I’ve done of interest:

• I bought a WRAP BOARD with wireless to do our internet routing at home. I’m very impressed with the pfSense software I’m using on it. I bought the board and the related parts from Xagyl. They’re based in Canada, so no customs and cheaper shipping.
• I got a Nintendo Wii. Solo purpose is for playing with friends, so I have four Wiimotes and nunchuks. I bought Super Monkey Ball and Super Swing Golf for it. Also got Zelda because it’s apparently so good I’ll play it over and over again.
• My MazdaSpeed 3 is running great. There was “Check Engine Light” for a cold weather problem with some sensor for the longest time. Fixed under warranty just before Christmas. Seems like Mazda doesn’t really test their cars for Canadian climate, but they’re really good about fixing cold weather problems as a result.
• I’ve taken a sudden interest in battery technology again. I bought a fancy NiMH charger. Also some 2500mh and 2700mh AA batteries for my Camera Flash. Flash cycle time is amazingly fast now, not to mention I get way more flashes out of it. Also bought some Eneloop batteries for my Wiimotes.
• I quit World Of Warcraft. Sold my account for a bunch of money.
• Also sold my Nokia E61 and my k750i last month. Not so much money made there, but I should learn to not buy a phone when it first comes out…

Well that’s all I can think of for now. For those who care, I’m considering GM’ing for D&D again. I’m debating if I want to do a pure fantasy world; or, if I should make up some crazy world based lightly on real history and some books I’ve read in the last three years. I rather enjoy making that stuff up, but it consumes way too much of my free pondering time. Which reminds me, I may start writing a book again. This time I’ll freaking back it up everywhere and print drafts as I go along. Never again will I loose a novel worth of work…

First of all, it reduces the number of decisions that have to be made. When a woman is with a man, there is no question that the man should open that door. Thus avoiding awkward moments where both try to open the door, or they both stand their with dumb looks on their faces waiting for the other to open the door. Really, this is just a subtle optimisation of how society works.

Second reason, is that if the door is booby trapped; or, the room contains some sort of… dangerous situation… Well, it’s best to send the bravest in first and let them deal with it. After all, we’re just lowly men who can’t really do anything for ourselves but eat and fart (and scratch our balls).

Now I realize there is a flaw to this system. What happens when, by chance, two men approach a door at the same time. Who should open the door? I often find that eye contact proceeds these sorts of encounters and our animal instincts kick in. We race for the door like it’s a prize to open; but, instead of opening the door and letting the other through… we quickly race through and let go of the door. Making the slower animal… er… man have to work harder to catch the door before it closes and open it again.

Now, I haven’t studied what happens when two women get to the door. Being more passive in their ways I can imagine one of two things would happen. The both strike up a conversation at the door waiting for a man to open it for them. Or, if they happen to be a a place were no man would enter/exit (lets say… a store that only sells tampons), then the following would likely happen: Lady A offers to open door. Lady B declines and offers to open door for Lady A. Lady A notices that lady B is slightly more overweight than herself, and offers again (politely) to open the door for lady B. Lady B notices that lady A is wearing high heels (and it must be killing her feet), so offers to open door for lady A. This process can probably last several hours on the worst of days.

In case you didn’t realize it, this is supposed to be funny. Don’t bother ranting at me or posting something mean in reply to it… I’ll just moderate it out (I’m the dictator of my own website, imagine that).

• Everyone hates liars. Fancy that, people want to be told the truth, but often despise you for telling it. At any rate, nearly every profile mentions it or it is mentioned very early on in communication
• Everyone wants to laugh. I remember reading paper that said laughing is a natural defense mechanism… Either way it’s fun. The only thing that varies is the type of humor.
• 80% of the people I met in RealLife(tm) lied about their age, weight and/or height. In one case, their race as well. Not that it matters, but why did they lie about it? See first point
• Cougars lurk within the system trying to trap you. Often they will do creepy stuff like use the picture of their daughter ( Sorry, your too old for me… but can I have your daughters email address?) Ya, creepy.
• The more you pay for a match making service, online dating thingy, the less matches you will get.
• Once a services start suggesting people on another continent it’s time to move on. Nothing like getting matched with people from Russia…

When it comes down to it, I’ve had more success just blatantly hitting on women and getting their numbers. At first I felt like a total jerk or something, but it turns out girls like attention. Just don’t be an ass about it. Remember, networking is your friend. Make friends with girls and maybe they can hook you up. My best matches ( and some of my worst) have been friend referrals.

My list of things my love of my life HAS to have… well not has… but damn they better come close.

1. She has to be smart, funny and good looking.
2. Looks after herself phyiscally and mentally.

3. Has some sort of interest in computers and the amazing stuff they can do. Bonus if she doesn’t think I’m crazy for having so many cool gadgets.

4. Likes to get outdoors and move around. Doesn’t mind sitting at home and just being together either.

5. Wants to travel the world with me. This goes with my plans to travel to south korea and teach english. I’d be lieing is I said I didn’t want them to come with me.

6. Loves food. Not eating lots of it, but all kinds of food. I can’t stand it when people don’t eat something because it has something they don’t like on it. I’ll never understand why people don’t like so many things… everything is good unless it’s rancid (unless intentionally rancid, then I suppose thats oky )

7. Be honest always, even if you think it’s going to hurt my feelings. It may just do that, but I’ll appreicate you and what you said alot more if you just say it. I forgive very easy, but my scorn will burn you.

8. Has to get my weird sarcastic humour.

9. Not a neat freak, since I’m far from neat. (I’m honestly trying to be more neat… and I don’t think I’m all that messy anyways… just unorganized )

10. Be able to handle how freaking honest I am majority of the time. I tend to be very direct and to the point. Sometimes a little shrewd… but I figure I’m either 100% or nothing.

11. Sex isn’t everything, but it’s something. I’ll be honest… and this isn’t my dick speaking either… I love to show love through acts of naughtness in bed.

12. Be an equal partner in a relationship. I don’t mind treating a girl nice and doing romantic things for them… but try to do the same. Never again will I do it all and have the girl expect it all.

13. At the end of a life, money is really just something you collected and hopefully spent. In the mean time, lets be fair about this and try to 50/50 what we do. I don’t mind getting dinner this time, if you get it next time. Gifts are a bit more tricky… I’d say get what you want, but never expect the same back. In the end things will equal out anyways.

14. Not be a religious zelot. I’m not “religious” myself. I do believe in a form of God… but it’s rather unconventional. I’d rather have someone who is open to discussing idea’s of God.

15. Be open to discussion about anything. Be willing to argue against me, just for the sake of argument.

16. Know and understand that I love to be with you, but I love to be with me too. I need time to do what I do. Thats mainly waste my time on the computer ( well not exactly waste, but close enough ). Some of these activitys you are welcome to join me on, some of them I’d rather be alone. When I want to be alone, don’t be hurt… just know that I’ll be back and ready for some cuddles.

17. I don’t talk sometimes ( amazing, I know… ) Don’t force me to talk, because I’m probably trying to think of what to talk about. I tend to be a very reflective person, so depending on what we were talking about I may take my sweet time to talk back. I’ll let you know when I’m done reflecting ( as a note, reflecting may be interupted and then continue at a later time… it could take more than a day/week/month to forumlate my reply… but I’ll formulate a reply )

18. Change is good. Change how ever you want, I don’t mind. I recognize that people evolve, and encourage it. I expect the same understanding.

19. Tolerance and patience. I’m a stubborn old man already, so forgive me if I’m a pain in the ass. There’s a wedding poem that says “…never goto sleep angery…” I’m oky if we get angery at eachother. How about not playing a game with it and talking to me about it. Tell me how you feel and why. I’m positive we can work anything out, but don’t play games with me.

20. Here’s the killer for most girls… ambition. If your content with the idea of having babies and staying at home I think we’re done. I want to have kids one day. First I want to live my life, travel the world, see new places, eat new foods, meet new people, gain a broad perspective on life. I want all of that… and I want someone who wants that as well. I want to that happen, which means doing everything I can now to ensure that I can do what I want tomorrow and everyday after. If that means making money, so be it ( and yes it means making money). My goals in life are fairly simple… Do what makes me happy, Make someone else happy, Raise intellegent spawns to continue this idea. There you have it… amazing I know. I could probably write more, but I think this has probably pruned 99% of all single females anyways. Talk about dooming myself…

Flame away!