I often feel…
I often feel like my relationships move too fast. This stems from the fact that I see a relationship as something that takes time to build. Now this isn’t always bad that it’s fast, it just means that my expectation are always kinda out of kilter. I don’t always expect the same things from relationships over the same amounts of time. It’s all subjective and with the flow for the most part. I usually just always get this feeling that I’m moving things along faster than I should. Well, perhaps that’s no longer a problem…
As my previous posts would suggest, relationships are on my mind lately. I believe I am very close to being mentally and spiritually prepared for that step from single to not single. Now I don’t want to freak anyone out over this. I believe that for men it has a lot to do with feeling secure in their lives in general. I’m in the position now where I feel I’m stable (other than moving all the time, what gives?). I think the biggest clue for me is that I’m now incredibly fascinated with relationship websites for couples and married people.
I don’t want to give all my sources away, but I have been watching some select episodes from: http://marriageuncensored.ca/index.php I also enjoy the entertainment of Strictly Sex With Dr. Drew (it’s not just sex, it’s relationships as well). In the past I’ve always maintained felt that before I could honestly commit to a mutual relationship, I had to make sure I was mostly in order. I think I’m at the point where I’m as “mostly in order” as I’ll ever be. Many good and wise friends have helped along the way. A few self-books have helped me make reasonable choices as well. This brings me to my current feelings for a particular individual.
Possibly the scariest thing I can think of right now is that I don’t take the chance and loose it. Forever regretting my lack of balls and constantly forming questions like “I wonder how my life would be different if…” in my head. It would probably drive me to insanity or even worse, normalcy. The problem of course is situational. Distance is a major factor. There are mutual concerns about “Getting along in real life” as well. It’s also a little strange that a serious relationship has formed mostly online. It’s awkward to tell grampa and gramama that you met your partner online.
In spite of all of these… obstacles, I still find that I think about the positives. We talk about all sorts of interesting things (mutual interests so to speak). We can talk/act goofy and everyone has a good time (no one is creepy out by banana on the head improve comedy). Our hearts are lifted just by talking on the phone (my sexy phone voice FTW!) I could go on, but that’s all I really see… all I really care about. The most painful part of it all is literally the distance. It drives me crazy to not be there for someone I care so much about. It seems unnatural and unfair to me.
Really we have no one to blame but ourselves. We’ve made choices that prevent us from relocating for the next while. At this point in both our lives we’re more dedicated to our own personal pursuits. I think we share a mutual respect of our choices in this regard. At times I still play the “What if…?” game with myself. Considering if I had stayed in Winnipeg; or, while it was still appropriate, moved back to Winnipeg. Now we’re both tortured souls, 100′s of km apart.
This is the sort of thing where, if all works out for the good, it’s a super romantic “Love Conquers All” story. The pessimist in me of course likes to point out that, even thou everything looks fantastic… it doesn’t mean that the follow through will work. I’m ready to accept either out come. The first is an amazing story; the second a story of, “If you love them, let them go.”
