James Sapara’s Personal Blog

I often consume my idle brain cycles with random thought streams and paths. I can stare blankly for nearly any amount of time really… just thinking. Often this happens when I’m “engaged” in a conversation with someone who is talking about something I’m not interested in. Don’t be fooled thou, I’m also easily distracted at times. Often in mid conversation a thought path will be trigger and you’ll loose me. This is just one of those quirks about me. I often wander off in my head for whatever reason. Now, this has very little to do directly with what I want to write about. It’s more of a introduction to “why” I’m writing about it. Which basically means, I’m writing about it because it’s been on my mind.

I’ve often pondered what love means to me. There are many levels which love has to be defined for an effective definition to take place. The degree’s of love one that I pondered about much back in my late teens and early twenties. From there I went on to how to “observe” myself in those degrees in love; or, what makes love that degree. From there I’ve moved to “Love” as the condition. Like most philosophical matters, love is what we interpret it as. Which means that we all see it differently, but also somewhat the same. It’s like that saying, “We say the ball is red, because we said it’s red. Red is just the label for what we see.”

For me the degree’s of love are fairly simple. It’s like the lesser of two evils sort of system. In theory I love everyone and thing. From there it’s just a matter of how much and in what ways. I can easily say that I love my friends and my family. I care about them and what happens to them. I look out for them when I can. It’s not a far stretch in my mind to say that those sorts of ideologies are a part of love. I think for the most part I have this system figured out to the extent that I know when my love is for a stranger, friend, family or significant other. I don’t seek to “rank” or prioritize in this system, it’s more that I just know where people fall within it.

What has been on my mind lately is the state of being in love. I’ve been in the state of loving my family since I’ve known them. It’s not a strange feeling and at this point in my life I’m very comfortable with it. What I’m struggling to grasp is the love that come between me and those I want to be with for the rest of my life. These feelings have always scared me to a certain extent. They’re not familiar and at times have been used against me in a hurtful way (Not that I haven’t done my fair share of hurting either).

I think in the essence of it, being in that particular state of love is like this:

• Caring about this person is intrinsically rewarding. AKA, it’s not a chore to listen to their problems and do what you can for their needs.
• You want to be with them, and you can ride through the rough times with them. Sometimes when someone is in a difficult stage of life it’s easy to just go and let them sort it out. Sometimes that makes them difficult to be around. I guess this aspect is the, “I’ll be there for you” part.
• Physical bond. By no means is this sex, but it can be. It’s more of the… mutual need to be close together. To share intimately in existing and take comfort that your not alone.
• Acceptance. We are not perfect. Love is not perfect. People evolve, relationships evolve and the world as a whole moves on. What ever flaws and quirks are there are going to be there for a lifetime in some way. It’s too much to ask a person not to be themselves, so instead you have to accept them for who they are. I think this is easy to do with family, and more so with friends (you typically don’t spend enough time with them to get the full brunt of the flaws and quirks). Choosing to be with someone for the rest of your life is something you have to be prepared for.
• Accepting yourself and love yourself. I don’t think I’ve been in the state of mind where I’ve hated myself much. On occasion I feel I’ve screwed up and disliked myself for a short period. Accepting myself has been a different story all together. I may appear to be confident much of the time. Internally I question much of what I do and I’m very critical of my actions. This has been something I’ve been getting better at over the years; but, I still have a few skeletons in the closet when it comes to accepting myself.

I’m not sure if this list is exactly comprehensive by any means. I’m sure just making it will spark further thought on the matter. What really brings this up is that I believe, right now that I am in this “state” of love. The situation itself is odd and difficult; but, it’s also interesting and fulfilling. I still doubt myself at times and question what I’m doing; but, every time I think about how being like this makes me feel… Well it’s just the oddest feeling connected and loved.