19874
It occurs to me that I'm unhappy. I've known this for some time now. What I didn't realize was WHY I'm not happy. All of the things that I thought will make me happy are illusions. The most obvious is stuff. I buy lots of stuff, and I'm happy for about 10 minutes now. Then I feel regret. I suffer with it. Why would something that apparently brings happiness do that? The sad part is I KNOW thats whats gonna happen, but I'm so desperate to feel happy for those few seconds that I'm willing to be unhappy for much longer. It's a cycle I have to stop. Work is another problem.
My problem with buying stuff to be happy is making work yet another source of unhappiness. I have to work. If I don't work I can't pay for the stuff I bought to be happy. I don't like my job. I try to make my job better, but in the process I become less happy with my situation. How do I solve this? I have no idea… I could sell everything I bought and pay my debts, and find a job that I enjoy. Right now I'm to scared to do that. I've lead myself to believe that hard work will reward me with happiness.
School is another source of unhappiness as well. While I'm not currently a student, I was for some time. I sacrificed myself to finish a degree, because I believed it would make everything in my life better. I've given myself the illusion that education breeds success; and, in success is happiness. Should I regret going to school to get my degree? Who was I getting a degree for? Myself or society? I shouldn't regret going to school, but I do because I did it for the wrong reasons. I”ve been thinging of going back to school after Christmas. My idea is that I'll get a MBS and get a job that I'll like. After reflecting on that, I decided that there is no way I'll be happy working in my field. The question now is what do I do? Do I goto school for something completely different (Education comes to mind) or continue this futile endeavor for happiness.
Again, I have to confess something else. I admit that I do good things and help people. I have a fairly big heart. It makes me happy to make people happy. I unfortunately believe that the reason I do nice things is to make myself happy. That doesn't seem so bad, but it breaks a balance of self and other. While I appear to be considering others, I'm really only considering myself in my actions to help others. I honestly think I can change this by meditating on the problem a few times. I hope that in doing so I'll be able to derive a more fulfilling happiness from kind actions.
Again I ask, how does one become selfless? The simple answer is to live by the moment. I haven't realized the more full bodied answer to this thou. I hope that my readings and meditations will help me understand more fully.
