James Sapara’s Personal Blog

Wow… so Kevin has most of his stuff out of the house now. I was worried he forgot a toolkit behind. After calling him he told me it was there when he movied in… which suggestes to me that the guy who used to live here forgot it. I'll try to get ahold of that guy again… but I've been unsuccessful in the past. If that fails the tool kit is mine!! Sweet! It has a rubber mallet!

I was watching a CBC special on the war in iraq this morning. Featuring the people who tried to bring us the truth of what was really going on there. Journalists from all over the world where talking about their experiences there. The video footage and pictures were, at times, very graphic. The stories were touching, perhaps even more than touching… At one point a lady was telling a story about a wife who came to the hospital with her husband in the back. He was caught in some cross fire. He died on the way, his wife just sat there, holding her husband and yelling, “I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO OUT TO DAY MOHAUMD!” I smiled then, I knew that for what ever reason he left, it was for her and probably their kids. He wasn't part of that war, but he died for it… Just has thousands of others have died and how thousands more will. Is there nothing we can do to stop this?

It occurs to me that I'm unhappy. I've known this for some time now. What I didn't realize was WHY I'm not happy. All of the things that I thought will make me happy are illusions. The most obvious is stuff. I buy lots of stuff, and I'm happy for about 10 minutes now. Then I feel regret. I suffer with it. Why would something that apparently brings happiness do that? The sad part is I KNOW thats whats gonna happen, but I'm so desperate to feel happy for those few seconds that I'm willing to be unhappy for much longer. It's a cycle I have to stop. Work is another problem.

My problem with buying stuff to be happy is making work yet another source of unhappiness. I have to work. If I don't work I can't pay for the stuff I bought to be happy. I don't like my job. I try to make my job better, but in the process I become less happy with my situation. How do I solve this? I have no idea… I could sell everything I bought and pay my debts, and find a job that I enjoy. Right now I'm to scared to do that. I've lead myself to believe that hard work will reward me with happiness.

School is another source of unhappiness as well. While I'm not currently a student, I was for some time. I sacrificed myself to finish a degree, because I believed it would make everything in my life better. I've given myself the illusion that education breeds success; and, in success is happiness. Should I regret going to school to get my degree? Who was I getting a degree for? Myself or society? I shouldn't regret going to school, but I do because I did it for the wrong reasons. I”ve been thinging of going back to school after Christmas. My idea is that I'll get a MBS and get a job that I'll like. After reflecting on that, I decided that there is no way I'll be happy working in my field. The question now is what do I do? Do I goto school for something completely different (Education comes to mind) or continue this futile endeavor for happiness.

Again, I have to confess something else. I admit that I do good things and help people. I have a fairly big heart. It makes me happy to make people happy. I unfortunately believe that the reason I do nice things is to make myself happy. That doesn't seem so bad, but it breaks a balance of self and other. While I appear to be considering others, I'm really only considering myself in my actions to help others. I honestly think I can change this by meditating on the problem a few times. I hope that in doing so I'll be able to derive a more fulfilling happiness from kind actions.

Again I ask, how does one become selfless? The simple answer is to live by the moment. I haven't realized the more full bodied answer to this thou. I hope that my readings and meditations will help me understand more fully.

Right, so a few weeks ago my doctor and myself were discussing my anus. I have some pains in my anus at times. A small cause for concern, but nothing to scary. My doctor was first to mention a colonscopy thingy… which I'm not to fond of having… so I asked what I can do before a colonscopy that doesn't involve anyone touching my anus. Turns out he suggsted taking the stuff that you would normally take for a colonscopy, but without the scopy part. Well joy!

So here I am, stomach is turning… bloated… waiting for that one moment when I'll be over whelmed by the suddent urge to use the facilities… What fun way to spend a saturday night. After I take care of that… I'll see how much better I float in the bathtub… oh oh oh… and before that I'll weight myself… I'll be the James with not shit weight!

One, trust is apparently non-existant. Two, once a person has decided the meaning and intention of second hand information it becomes futile to convince them otherwise.

1. Is this the right person
2. Is it the right choice
3. Is this the right time
4. Is this the right place

Go over those the next time you plan on having any sort of sex.

In life there is but two things that are certian, birth and death. For every begining there is an end. For every end there is a begining. Without one you can't have the other. Of course we already knew this, we all do. The puzzle is why we live our lives like we're gonna live forever. We work insane hours with the deliousion that after we finish this next thing we'll have some time to relax. We know it's a lie, but we can't face the lie that is our life. We compete to have busy lives, only using self as a means to an end, not to mention others as a means to an end. True humanity must be selfless? Is it possible to live selflessly?

well well well… what do we have here? Nothing apparently, or is it something. Is it a something of nothing? OR a bunch of nothings as something. Tune in next week when people confuse you even more!

This is the system I bought on the behalf of my parents. It's one sweet rig as far as home computers go. Nothing too fancy, butthe 17″ LCD is killer.

Well apparently wanting to do something with friends isn't reason enough for them to contact you when they do want to do something. Which could only mean that they are either forgetful, inconsiderite, or don't like me. I don't care which reason it is, it's already causing me too much stress. I'll just assume everyone is very forgetful and move on.

On another tangent, apparently no one wants to come to my place. I can't seem to convince people to come over for a movie. I love to entertain guests, which is a large part of the reason I bought a nice home entertainment system. Now I rarely watch tv and watch movies on my computer. Sometimes I feel like people really don't like me, and I can't figure out wtf I did to deserve it.